Currently Reading A Night Without Armor : Poems By Jewel see related

everyone must do some raining...

since i haven't written in what feels like forever, i'll update with a poem that i wrote a while back that can be applied to my life at the present moment. Maybe you readers out there can relate.

Everyone Must Do Some Raining:

It's been raining for days
the water droplets pelt the sidewalks,
the umbrellas, the building's rooftops.
soaking and chilled to the bone,
I walk admist the falling rain,
I examine the dark clouds and my drenched surroundings.
I am calm and reposed, letting my beauty unfold,
despite the mess I appear to be-I'm a wreck
I twirl around with my hands outstretched toward the sky,
in my soaking wet jeans, squeaky sneakers,
transparent shirt, and stringy hair,
-and I don't care-
I feel free.
I feel alive as I am covered in raindrops,
one woman alone in the world,
surrounded by so many people-yet still alone.
But, I don't mind so much anymore.
I am me.
I am free.
free to dance and twirl in the rain I've seemingly created,
and still feel ok despite the weather's affect on mood.
I go on with a bright smile upon my face,
and splash in the puddles.
I figure "everyone must do some raining if they are ever going to grow."
so, here I go to sprout new leaves and spread the seed of love to whomever reaches for it.
I don't need to put myself out for anyone with a watering can,
I've done enough raining on my own to last me for a while.

~much love~

God bless!

Currently Listening Room Noises By Eisley "one day i floated" see related

clarity...

"What is it about a good ol fashioned inner struggle that makes life so lonely...
Its counter-intuitive to think that being lonely has nothing to do with a lack of being around love."                                                                                                                                                                       
i know i havent written in quite some time, but that's what happens when life takes ahold of you. Every once in a while it is nice though to sit back and relax and take a moment such as this to reflect about what is going on in your life and what is going on all around you. Life isnt easy...that's for darn sure. I've had such a rough first semester. These tough times are supposed to make you stronger though...make you learn valuable lessons and shape who you are as a person. I truly believe that it has. It's amazing the clarity you gain after such an emotional time in your life. Once you reflect on everything that's happened...you finally realize what you did wrong. It's sad that it isnt realized while the events are taking place. Things would have been so much different if that were the case. But what happened...happened...there's nothing i can do to change what occurred. And there's nothing i can do about yet another battle i am faced with, but push forward. It's all i can honestly do, no matter how much it hurts, I have to live life and enjoy it. You gotta take the good with the bad and learn to push through. It's funny though because it's sooooooo much easier said than done.

I'm at another rough spot just when i thought i was finally getting back on my feet, to where i was comfortable with everything again. I now have more things to deal with at home...painful things that i never saw coming. Hit me out of nowhere really and i'm left in another emotional battle...i'm trying to go to church again. I've gone to CRU a few times with a couple of my friends. I need God right now. I've gone far too long with trying to deal with stuff on my own. I've failed. I need Him to guide me on the right path and make it through these tough times in one piece.                                                                                                                                                                      

please pray for me.

Currently Listening Make Yourself By Incubus "make yourself" see related

We ALL build around us walls to protect ourselves from the world, but to find love...we need to let someone inside... but once they are inside, we lose our protection too.. which means someone can run rampant in those parts of us that are so tender. Given the choice to exist for a lifetime or love for a moment.. I choose Love. I am capable of building walls high enough to protect myself...and I did that for years. Since I tore down those walls, I've felt more pleasure and more pain...but I LIVE.

Right now i'm trying hard to get over this current heartache. i took down some walls for somebody, but not enough of them and it made it so that i couldn't see all the love he was trying to give to me. i got insecure..i got jealous for no real other reason than the fact that i was so scared of losing him. and because of those fears...i did end up losing him and it wasnt because of him...it was because of me. i had trust in him, yet i still let my insecurities get the best of me. i've battled the fear of rejection for years and it still haunted me then. today, that fear is gone. i refuse to be so insecure and so consumed with my past experiences that i forget the present. that's what i did...i forgot the present. i'm trying right now to not let this "new" past consume me and look to the present and to the future. it's tough though. sadness and heartache are things that take time. how much time exactly? that, i am unsure of.

until then, i'm doing my best to be happy. friends help a lot. God helps a lot. and family helps a lot too.

keep me in your prayers. please.

Currently Listening Some Hearts By Carrie Underwood "starts with goodbye" see related

new beginnings

Today is a new beginning for me. I'm done with all the drama and all the tears. I don't want to cry over him anymore. I have to find some middle ground where I know I can be happy and be able to do it without him here. It's so hard though. But I have to do my best. I know I'll never forget him. He'll always be in my heart and I know I'll always love him. But I must move on. I gotta be happy. I dont want to be so overcome with sadness all the time that I lose myself and lose that person that I used to be...the one who was always so positive, happy, and fun to be around, the one who could make everyone laugh. the one who encouraged others to do their best. the one who gave advice and was there for her friends no matter what. I dont want to lose those parts of me. I have to try to stay strong. I know that it won't be easy...no one ever said life was gonna be easy. Life is a test. We're always being tested somehow by major changes, delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, undeserved criticism and even senseless tragedies. I'm currently reading "The purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. It's helping me cope a little bit better and helping me make sense of some things. I'm hoping that this recent heartache and hurt will eventually dissolve away to where I can be completely ok again. Right now it's still fresh but I'm learning how to deal.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye 

 

Currently Listening Stand Still, Look Pretty By The Wreckers, Michelle Branch, Jessica Harp "leave the pieces" see related

change

Over a month has gone by since i've last updated. So much has happened since my last entry...I'm not the same person that started this xanga journal over the summer. I used to be a girl who was so happy and so in love...now i'm a girl that is struggling to get through each day without breaking down in tears. Life right now for me is extremely rough. I thank God that I have the love and support of my friends and family to help hold me together. Without them I dont know where I'd be. All I know is that I am at my lowest of lows and I hate it. I have a broken heart and it's up to me to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life. I'm doing the best damn job I can, but I find myself at times losing grip and just wanting to cry. I've shed so many tears this past month that I can't believe I have any left to shed, and yet they come at random times when I'm reminded of the happiness that I used to have with him. I miss him. But I've come to terms with the fact that nothing is going to change between us. I have to take it one day at a time. They say time heals all wounds....well we'll just have to see about that one. I refuse to stay unhappy forever. I know i've messed up and made lots of mistakes. I know I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be that way or better than anyone else. I'm just me. I've changed a lot though over this past month. Change that I think is for the better. I've repaired my relationship with my dad to where we can get along a lot better. I've realized how much I truly do cherish my friends. I've gone back to God...because obviously I can't do it alone. I've learned that one the hard way. I've finally let go of some things from my past that have interfered with my present day relationships. I've also been finding myself looking at people differently. Respecting who they are...and not being so damn judgemental. I'm learning to give people chances before I make a judgement call about them. I'm starting to appreciate the differences we all have. So these are some good things I've changed about myself. I'm still working on some others, but it might take some more time. I'm doing the best I can at this point. And that's all that I can do.

For all my friends and family out there, I thank you for all your love and support...just bear with me.

 I know I'm a tough one to handle sometimes. lol  

--god bless--